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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23904583">you're the universe i'm helpless in</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/widogasps/pseuds/widogasps'>widogasps</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, Freckle counting, M/M, Shadowgast, Wizard Fluff, adventurer!essek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:15:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,027</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23904583</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/widogasps/pseuds/widogasps</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The night was quiet, broken only by Caleb's soft voice, each murmured number paired with the gentle brush of a finger to Essek's cheekbone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>222</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you're the universe i'm helpless in</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i know that this isn't the first work inspired by the perfection that is <a href="https://fiovske.tumblr.com/">fiovske</a>'s freckle counting <a href="https://fiovske.tumblr.com/post/614735621929435136/i-sent-my-friend-who-doesnt-watch-cr-but-is-very">drawing</a> and i very highly doubt it will be the last, but i nevertheless couldn't get this out of my head and had to throw my hat into the ring.  i am a sucker for soft wizards, particularly these two.</p><p>the title is from "venus" by sleeping at last.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"… <i>drei</i>… <i>vier</i>… <i>fünf</i>…"</p><p>The night was quiet, broken only by Caleb's soft voice, each murmured number paired with the gentle brush of a finger to Essek's cheekbone.  A small smile played at the corner of the drow's mouth, violet eyes on blue, though their gaze didn't meet as the human was too busy studying the dusting of freckles that spread across the expanse of Essek's skin.</p><p>It had been quite some time since they had been able to enjoy relative peace.  Their nights together were most frequently spent crowded together in a tiny hut with the rest of their friends, a closeness that Essek had only recently grown used to, or in a room above a noisy tavern that was often shared with another member of the Nein.  Tonight had been a rare exception to the rule, their group having stopped in a small, sleepy village with a near empty inn and hardly any nightlife to speak of.  With more than enough rooms to go around, Essek and Caleb had been able to be alone for the first time in well over a week.</p><p>Veth had tried to keep that from happening, of course.  Essek would need to thank Jester come morning, even if her assist had involved more pointed looks and eyebrow waggles than necessary, implementing an utter lack of subtlety as she convinced Veth to bunk with herself and Beau for the night.</p><p>Despite that it was almost always occupying his mind in some way, right now it was near impossible for Essek's thoughts to linger too long on Veth and the debt he feared he would never fully pay.  It was impossible to think about much of anything, not when he had the vision that was Caleb Widogast, hair free and falling around his bare shoulders as he propped his head up with one hand, before him.  To say that he was distracting would have been a vast understatement.</p><p>"… <i>zehn</i>… <i>elf</i>… <i>zwölf</i>…"</p><p>Essek tipped his chin up, lips just grazing over Caleb's palm as his hand moved, earning a brief flash of a smile from the other wizard before he went back to the ever important task at hand.  Those smiles had once felt like a victory whenever Essek had earned one.  Now they were a common exchange, but made him feel no less triumphant when they were directed toward him.</p><p>His life was not supposed to have turned out this way.  Essek had been destined for great things, or so his mother had claimed during every scolding in his youth, when she had wanted to make it especially clear that he was being disappointing in some way.  He had achieved great things, too.  He had been appointed Shadowhand at an almost unheard of age, earning himself a place in court not just due to his lineage, but because of his talents and intelligence -- all without consecution, without having lived multiple lives.  Though he may have turned, in the eyes of the Dynasty were they to ever know, traitor in the end, his goal was simply to understand an integral part of their culture that so few seemed willing to explore.</p><p>But as it was, Essek had turned away from a century of time, effort, and study.  Sometimes he wondered about the scandal he must have created and whether or not, just over a year later, they were still talking about the grand exit that had been Shadowhand Essek Thelyss who had thrown it all away -- and for what?  To travel with a band of strange adventurers?  Adventurers that had been looked at as heroes of the Dynasty, yes -- but <i>adventurers</i>, all the same.</p><p>They would never understand, Essek knew, and he had made very little effort to make them.  How could any of them understand the comfort that came with falling asleep on the ground with his head using Caleb's stomach as a pillow and Jester curled up against his back?  How could they understand the satisfaction that came with a nod of approval from Beau whenever Essek did something uniquely selfless, the sort of actions he would have never considered doing prior to meeting the Mighty Nein?  How could they understand what it meant to him to have Caduceus tell him about the Wildmother with no expectation of turning him devout or to have Fjord open up about his own struggles with faith?  How could they understand how it felt to see a crossbow bolt sink into a creature that could surely have killed him with one more swipe of its claws, knowing that it had been aimed by Veth despite everything he had done to her family?</p><p>They <i>couldn't</i> understand.  Essek wouldn't have expected them to.  There were still good people in the Dynasty that cared more for happiness than power or navigating the ladders of nobility, but it hardly mattered now.  He wasn't part of the Dynasty.  Not anymore.</p><p>"… <i>neunzehn</i>… <i>zwanzig</i>…"  Caleb paused, his fingers brushing at a spot just below Essek's ear.  "Ah, this one is my favorite."</p><p>This time it was Essek's turn to smile.  He lifted one of his arms, his fingers delicate as they danced up Caleb's arm before settling at his own freckled shoulder.  "Your favorite," he repeated, lifting one eyebrow in a gentle curve.  "Why is it your favorite?"</p><p>"Let me demonstrate."  Caleb leaned forward, his fingers shifting just enough to give room for his lips.  He kissed the spot gently at first, nothing more than a ghost of a touch, then let the pressure increase against the sensitive patch of skin.  As he did, a little jolt of electricity erupted within Essek, making him breathe out a soft gasp of pleasure and surprise.  Caleb lifted his head, a self-satisfied smirk on his face as he met Essek's gaze once more.  "That is why it is my favorite."</p><p>Essek's hand moved once again, fingers raking into Caleb's long hair.  "I think it could be my favorite, too."</p><p>Caleb's smirk turned into a fond smile, the journey of that change in expression more than enough for a warmth to erupt in Essek's chest.  He leaned up then, using his hand that was still entangled in Caleb's waves to pull him in for a kiss.  It was slow and loving, a passion that was so very different from the desperate kisses of lovers that had been forced to keep their hands to themselves for too long that they had shared not so long ago which had led to a quick removal of clothing before they fell onto the lumpy mattress they were stretched out on now.</p><p>It was the sort of kiss that Essek could have easily allowed to sink back into those earlier desperate kisses as well.  He had every intention to let that happen soon enough, wanting to take as much advantage of this room as they possibly could before they needed to finally rest, but he now let his head tip back to rest on the pillows once more, looking up to Caleb.  "Do you want to know which of yours is my favorite?"</p><p>With a nod, Caleb's hand that had been counting freckles only moments ago made itself busy by brushing a stray lock of Essek's hair away from his face.  His hair had grown out in the many months he had been with the Mighty Nein, the sort of frequent grooming that he had made a priority in his old life now a thing of the past.  It hadn't been a very difficult change for him, not once he found out just how much he liked the feel of Caleb's fingers raking through his longer locks.  Once his fingers settled at the nape of Essek's neck, Caleb added, "<i>Ja</i>, I do."</p><p>Essek almost didn't move, the gentle circles that Caleb now drew into the hair at the back of his neck enough to send him straight into his trance if he let it.  Instead, he found the willpower to lift himself up to lean on one elbow and steal a gentle, almost teasing kiss from the other man before he went about inspecting Caleb's body.  It wasn't exactly a chore; Essek could have lost hours to just looking at Caleb, memorizing every line, every scar -- and yes, every freckle.  He had done exactly that a time or two before in the early hours between the end of his trance and the longer period of rest that the human who held his heart would wake.</p><p>Though he said nothing, Essek could sense the shift to bashfulness that Caleb eased into at his close attention.  It was charming and warmed Essek's once cold heart as he compared it to the Caleb that he had been presented with almost the moment the door closed to their small room.  His eyes darted up once to meet Caleb's before he continued his work, reaching out a finger to trace over his cheek, along his jawline, and eventually over his shoulders to the expanse of freckles there.  Essek avoided the other man's arms; he had long since grown used to the sigh of the scars that lined them, but sometimes the guilt would hit him hard when he considered who had hurt Caleb in this way was the same person he had willingly conspired with, once upon a time.</p><p>Essek continued, tugging on the threadbare blanket that had been pulled up to cover them both as their breathing had slowed and heart rates had returned to normal.  Now, Caleb seemed to be holding his breath altogether as Essek's fingers traced lines from freckle to freckle, drawing constellations against through the hair on his chest and down his sides in just the same way Caleb had been doing across Essek's cheeks and jaw.  Finally, his fingers slowed and came to a stop.  His index finger pressed just once to a spot next to a particularly concerning looking scar on Caleb's abdomen; Essek considered for a moment that there must have been a story behind it, but now wasn't the time for tales of bravery and recklessness.</p><p>"This one."  Essek looked up, smiling as his gaze met Caleb's.  There was an intensity behind the other man's eyes, as so often was the case.  Essek had grown comfortable with that look and all of the many variations of it.  There was the way his eyes would focus, such as when they were working on a particularly challenging spell or he was absorbing the pages of a book. There was the way his eyes would have a sparkle being that stare, such as when he was teasing or was being teased himself by one of their friends.  There was the sorrow that could seep into his eyes, such as when Essek spoke in the dead of night of his trials with his own morality or when Caleb recounted the tragedies of his past.</p><p>This intensity was different from all of those, sparking a flame within Essek.  He couldn't call it his favorite as he could never rank any parts of Caleb above or below the others.  He loved all parts of the man, the good and the bad and everything in between.  Though he may not have told him as much just yet, it didn't diminish the truth of it.</p><p>"You're not even looking -- "</p><p>The scolding from Essek was immediately interrupted, Caleb moving to distract his mouth thoroughly when his own pressed to it.  At Caleb's gentle encouragement, Essek laid back down, ignoring the course material of the mattress under him that scratched against his bare back; it was easy to do so as the man above him shifted, their bodies pressing together in a way that had somehow become familiar.</p><p>Familiar, Essek thought, his fingers burying into red hair, but not taken for granted.  This life may not last forever and he may very well outlive each and every one of his new friends, but he would appreciate every part of it when he could -- especially these moments stolen with the human he loved, in an inn that was worlds away from gilded halls, fancy towers, and impressive titles and yet somehow felt grander than all of them put together.</p>
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